A former colleague once told me, quite casually, “Nothing matters.” Though a response was formulated in my mind straight away, I said nothing. In hindsight, this is one of the most shocking things I’ve heard – as it wasn’t a mere philosophical musing or a line delivered in the movie bit where the villain justifies their actions, but a belief someone genuinely has, one that governs his every decision and the way he lives. To this day, I regret not being able to offer my reply. I’ll do so in a few moments.
But first, I have to say that his opinion reminded me of books like “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck,” which have taken the world by storm as they advocate not caring about (what) other people (think) and just doing you, external validation be damned.
While I’m learning a lot about the dangers of people pleasing – a great deal of which I agree with –, I can’t help but feel that there are those who use the mantra of “not giving a f*ck” as an excuse to do only what they want, without exception. It’s one thing to try to please everyone (although my mantra is that if it’s within your power to help, you should always try) and something else entirely to please only yourself at all times.
Is it really okay to eternally put yourself first?
You see it even in the way a person walks (I’m not a driver so my input would be minimal on that): some cut you off never in a million years dreaming of saying sorry, others take up all the sidewalk space if they’re in a group, others stop or turn super abruptly as if they want you to bump into them…
And then there’s that rare someone who does have spacial awareness and minds others in pedestrian traffic. Not only that, but they actually match their pace to whoever they walk beside; it happens effortlessly and seamlessly precisely because they’re considerate enough to observe first and then adapt. Let go of how fast or how slowly they want to walk and walk as fast or as slowly as their companion. Now this speaks to so much more than the obvious – I think someone’s whole character is revealed in such moments.
This is just a minor example but there are of course others. Which finally brings me to what I would have said to my colleague:
“Kindness matters.”
When I clumsily dropped a gazillion coins on the floor of a Spanish shop recently, the cashier rushed to help me collect them, though her job didn’t involve this at all.
When a very young child went a bit too deep into the sea waves, his sister immediately pulled him out. Though he was in no real danger, she couldn’t conceive of letting anything bad happen to him.
Another sister (my own 😊) covers me with a blanket whenever I’m out in her garden in the evening.
“Loyalty matters.”
Loyalty to what or whom, exactly? I certainly don’t mean the kind of traditional loyalty where, for example, you stay in a job for decades despite the low pay and the unfair way you’re treated.
But I do believe in loyalty to healthy principles and values that one should abide by even when it’s hard or tricky to do so. Especially then. Values like friendship, commitment to a passion, speaking truthfully yet tactfully as well, encouraging freedom of choice, working to become a better version of yourself, loving someone whether they are near you or not.
“Love matters.”
When 4 siblings were lost in the Amazon jungle following a plane crash in Colombia (as you’ve surely read about), Lesly, the older sister, only 13 at the time, made sure they all survived, including her 1-year-old brother. Love proven true under extreme circumstances.
After suffering abuse at the hands of her first husband, Tina Turner was deeply loved by her second one, who even donated a kidney to her. She told the press Bach taught her how to love without giving up who she was. Wow.
Hachikō (please see the movie in case you haven’t) famously waited for the return of his owner for 9 years after his death. Until he died too.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Majal as a monument for all time so that its visitors bear witness to the great love he felt for his wife.
Out of love for girls and women everywhere, who should have the right to study for as long as they want, Malala keeps fighting for them even after being shot in the head by radicals.
These last examples are perhaps overly famous. My apologies for that – they came to mind instantly. But what about the countless “small acts of kindness and love, everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay,” as Gandalf would call them? Everyone’s aware of them in their own life. Your mother intuitively knowing how to help you best, feeling a friend’s understanding when it’s most needed, an unexpected smile from a child you see in the street, who senses what is within you without you doing anything…
Clearly, it’s not “only great power that can hold evil in check.” And, more often than not, the kind gesture doesn’t cost anything at all.
Now let’s look at the opposite. Lack of kindness. Lack of loyalty. Lack of love.
Steve Jobs not showing his daughter parental warmth.
Billionaire Shahzada Dawood putting his 19-year-old son’s life at risk by taking him on the Titanic submarine. Both of them dying as a result of his ego and selfishness.
Aretha Franklin twice impregnated by the time she was 14, with her father most likely aware of the situation and doing nothing about it.
How much less evil would there be in this world if people were kinder, more loyal, and more loving? How many fewer would die because of drug or organ trafficking? How many children would not only not be abandoned in 1 way or another, but brought up the right way? How many animals would be protected and cherished as they deserve? How many fewer politicians would still be able to lie their way into power? How much less injustice would the scrupleless get away with? How much more of a reflection of beautiful poetry would life be?
Call me naïve if you wish, but is emotional numbness truly the alternative to go for out of so many? Doctor Strange saw 14,000,605 possible outcomes in the Thanos storyline and all of a sudden the collective brilliance of humankind is not able to see past 1 option: the convenience of not caring in the slightest? How about caring less only when you feel overwhelmed (Who’d blame you from stepping away when it hurts too much?) or not caring about stuff that is of no real consequence, like titles of any kind or freakin’ daily Amazon (which still doesn’t pay any taxes) deliveries?
But not caring at all because you can’t change everything should not even be an option. Changing anything starts with caring enough to do something about it.
So dare to care. It does matter.
